Worst Day #31

Here are three reasons why I hate howl-o-ween:

Reason 1: First Mate No Pants, oh the humiliation!

Reason Number 2: Sigh a pig costume, really...

Reason #3: Shippo Godzilla wants to smash!!!

And as if these three reasons weren't enough, dogs don't get chocolate so no howl-o-ween noms for me! Oh and do you see pictures of the stinky one, no you don't just me.... Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #989

 I thought the list of things I hated couldn't get any longer..... I was wrong. While I was "vacation" I discovered this new nemesis:

A pool table. Who invented this torture! This "game" is awful. I am certain those sticks are to skewer me and the sound of those rocks banging together made me want to howl. So I did. A lot. The humans took great pleasure in this "game" and the stinky one of course seemed oblivious. I bravely hid in the closet, since of course no one cared about my pain. This was almost worse than camping with all that wood chopping, fire, and rain. Sigh, I can never catch a break.

                                                         Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #97

That's me in the car on the way to our "vacation" not what I suggested, which was a trip to the Ben and Jerry's to suggest nugget ice cream in person and while I am there sample a few hundred flavors of ice cream, but no instead I am here in Tennessee with the stinky one "relaxing" we have been forced to hike and cuddle on the couch for days now I don't know how much more I can take. Send nuggets, I am not sure the address we are somewhere beyond civilization, just send nuggets I will find them. Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #997

Its finally happened. One of my worst nightmares. Not my worst worst nightmare that involves a world wide nugget shortage but one that's close.... the bunnies have broken through the sanctity of the fence. Using their tiny devious babies they are able to fit through the openings in the fence and infiltrate my bathroom. What they have in mind I cant begin to fathom, I can only hope it involves eating the beagle first.

Yesterday I walked outside to this:

I bravely guarded the porch (not hid behind the grill as some might say) while the stinky one stupidly chased the beast around the yard, again fooled by the bunnies shape shifting ability, even as a baby its remarkable.  Eventually the round human was roused by my brave distress calls, and only laughed at how cute the bunny was.

As always the burden of being brave falls on me Shippo, I only hope my muscular manly shoulders can bear the weight alone. Some pizza or ice cream would probably help and also a nugget and maybe  a smooch, oh and don't turn of the light just in case a bunny sneaks in so I can um see it right away. Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #70000000

Today was almost the Best. Day. Ever. Almost. Not quite. But almost.

When we returned from our daily walk, or as I like to call it hook Shippo to the torture lead and drag him around the neighborhood, we were waiting for the round human to shut the gate (I know it should be simple) and the stinky one took to digging under the fence. I angel that I am, did not partipate in this heinous act, even I know the safety the fence represents, it keeps the bunnies out! Once the round human finally managed to shut the gate, she came over to find the beast half way to china.

I would like to tell you as punishment she banished the stinky one for all time or put her in a rocket to the moon, something reasonable like that. But no she simply yelled at her to stop and denied her a treat when we came inside. Heres the best part though... I got a treat!!!! Thats right for once I came out on top!!! I know the fearsome creatures that could get in so I respect the fence and was rewarded!! As I said it was a almost the best. day. ever. The stinky one is so stupid I cant imagine this will be the last time digging, fingers crossed for that rocket to the moon.

Eventually the round human cracked and gave the drooling idiot a treat but not without giving me another half. Only half. I'm the good one! Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #118

                        This ones for you ladies, please follow instructions!

Actually anyone would be great, can a chi-stiff get a smooch here? No probably not, they all go to the stinky one or that horrible orange beast behind me. Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #365

I had to get online to tell the whole internets about the dark day that happened this weekend, the one year anniversary of the stinky one ruining my already awful life. Its been one year since my life went from bad to the worst. RIP happy Shippo. Please send baskets of noms and stripey bears to help through this difficult time to Shippo Bad 123 Worst Day Ever Road Hagerstown MD (no I don't no my address I am dog for crying out loud, its amazing I can type so well!)  I spent the weekend in mourning, reflecting on happier times and planning the demise of the beagle. Unfortunately planning her demise got in the way of my busy nap schedule so it will have to wait, maybe on her two year anniversary. But I am still feeling pretty depressed so like I said a basket of noms would really help me through this rough patch, chicken nuggets would make me have the best.day.ever. so I know nobody will send them. *sigh*Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #419

Its hard for me to type, I am still shaking from the trauma of what happened to me yesterday. I am not even sure if I can talk about it, but I suppose I can try. I was forced to...take....a....a.....BATH!!!! And it was as I am sure you can guess: the worst. Baths up are up on the list of things I hate most with beagles and bicycles. The round human even washed me with *shudder* baby shampoo, washing away my natural and wonderful manly smell. As if making me smell fresh wasn't bad enough she trimmed my nails, great how how will I tap dance? Get tiny tap shoes? I think not! I depended on those nails when I was showing off my sweet moves.

I thought things couldn't get any worse but as always, I was wrong, the Stinky one (even after the bath shes still foul) touched my Stripey Bear. An immediate bath was needed for him, but when I actually wanted one the round human was of course no where to be found. Probably off somewhere plotting the next way to torture me. So in my sopping wet despair I grabbed my Skunkie and told him of my sorrows but it wasn't the same as Stripey. A pizza would have helped, but all I got was dry brown cereal at the end the day making it truly the Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #39

I am a very humble, super handsome, amazing, ladies man, and I don't ask for much besides a bed made of bacon, a daily back massage, my own phone line (for the ladies) and removal of the stinky one. And
maybe a website dedicated to me and my awesomeness, you know simple things. Do I get them no of course not my life is the worst, I protest these injustices everyday day in and day out. My protests go unheard, probably because I am weak with hunger, what does a dog have to do to get some better noms around here? Dry cereal day in and day out, nobody loves me! I mean look at this:

Ew! What I would like would be something simple like a pot of beef strew or a roasted turkey with all the trimmings, the things a chi-stiff like me deserves! And what do the humans eat! Well lets compare a picture of their dinner with mine:

Yeah that's right that's a pizza, with delicious, melty cheese, in case you were wondering; yes I love pizza, and no I don't get more than one tiny bite of crust and that's only if I can wrestle it away from the disgusting, drooling jaws of the beagle!

 Seriously look at this mug, adorable!  I think I need to start a Feed the Shippo campaign, who can resist this face!!

Apparently everyone, even the pizza guy, sigh, Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #68

So I haven't been able to blog much lately, it was a full moon and on a full moon I turn into a full mastiff like this:

Unfortunately no one is ever around to see it, but I promise you it happens. So with all that shape shifting I have been a little tired, but I had to blog today to tell the whole internets about my real.worst.worst.day.ever.

Yesterday to my horror I was loaded into the car next to the stinky one, the injustice began when she stole my bone and proceeded to chew it in front me me, I stole it back but it was too late she had touched it, it was defiled. The round human for once noticed my discomfort and put me into the front seat, though I didn't want to ride in her lap, I clearly called shotgun at the start of the drive. These people have got to learn Shipanese! They drove for hours and hours (I hoped perhaps to leave the crusty one in the country, laugh and drive of a chi-stiff can dream) finally arriving at. a. LAKE. That's right a large body of *shudder* water. I could only guess at their nefarious plans for me and the lake. Then as if it couldn't get any worse, it began to *shudder* rain!! I was forced to stand in the rain for what seems like days, and almost forced by the bald human into..the...LAKE!!! The stinky one stupidly stood there happily and even went into the lake, and did not sink as I hoped, stupid beagle. The only saving grace of the day is the humans camera couldn't get wet so there are no pictures of my suffering. I went home and had an emergency therapy session with stripey, grabbed a stuffy and took a long nap, and had nightmares about rain and lakes.

Me clutching my Garfield trying to ward off nightmares of the...lake...worst. day. ever.

Worst Day #85

I was going to make a list of all the things I hate, for easy reference for my readers, but I ran out of room. So instead I am going to make you a list of things I love, please refer to it for birthdays, Christmas, Saint Shippo's Day, and Mondays. Basically any day its necessary to by me a present.

Things Shippo doesn't Hate (too much):

1) Noms- its always worth the nom, I am especially fond of pizza crust, bananas, melon and jelly beans. Keep that in mind people.

2) My Stripey Bear- oh how I love him, hes my bff (bear friend forever)

3) The sound of my own voice- I love barking and howling, oh I love it. My voice is so wonderful, I am thinking of trying out for American Idol next year!

4) Ice Cream and Nuggets- These are separate from other noms. These are the ultimate noms, I get to ride in the car for these and make my demands into the talking food box and they suddenly appear! The best day ever would be when they finally make nugget ice cream, I am licking my chops just thinking about it!

5) My "Aunts" and "Uncles"- That's what I call any human who comes over a lot who isn't the bald or round human, they are mostly less horrible than those two.

6) My Stripey Bear- Yep hes on here twice!

That's right there are only 6 things I can think of that I don't totally hate. Sigh. I cant believe there are even 6 since every day is the Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #43

So yesterday like always the round human hooked me to the torture lead and prepared to drag me around the neighborhood. It started of as a normal walk, pretty much the worst, when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and suddenly I was staring face to face with this:

Being the brave chi-stiff that I am, I struggled to get out of my harness to defend the round human and throw the stinky one at the monster. Sure it may have looked like I was trying to back out my harness to run away but that was not the case. The noise of my struggle to save her caused the round human to actually pay attention and look my way, but the monster had changed, now it looked like this:

Clearly it is some kind of powerful shape shifter, fooling the round human and the stinky one into thinking its a cute "bunny". I had to endure laughs from the round human and sarcastic looks from the beagle at my almost flight over such a cute creature. Fools. That's what the monster wants them to think, so it can strike without them ever knowing its coming. Only I brave Shippo am aware of this threat. So today I have been lounging on the couch (normally I would be pumping iron or something) trying to look sick to get out of the daily walk, you never know where a rabbit could be lurking! Oh no I see the round human getting the leashes....

                                             I really hate bunnies. Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #55

Oh no its raining out, oh how I hate the rain. I hate it, hate it, hate it! I hate it almost more than I hate the crusty one!!! I hate the way it feels on my paws and my handsome face, everyone knows I am made of sugar and will melt in the rain. What I hate most of all is how the round one and the bald one both make me go outside when its raining. I don't see them outside peeing in the rain! Sure when its a sunny day its nice to go out, stretch my legs and answer some pee mail, but when its raining why cant I have a free pass to pee in the basement? Apparently they want me to melt. The stinky one is too stupid to see how horrible the rain is and goes out and plays in it, clearly her brain is already jelly and can melt no further. Ugh rain rain go away! Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #90000

Look at this face:

Could you deny it your breakfast? I ask you does this handsome chi-stiff not deserve at least half of what you have? Am I really expected to eat dry, brown cereal for every meal!?! Well the round human says no she wont share, she barely even shared some banana. Everyone knows banana is my favorite. I hate Mondays. Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #12

Tandem dog leads, I would love to find the guy who invented those and bite him square on the butt. In the days of BSB or Before Stinky Beagle, one of the few things I had to look forward to everyday was a walk. A quick loop around the neighborhood, for me to stretch my legs, show off my guns and answer some pee mail. And then the crusty one came. Suddenly walks become something to dread, sure I still got to show off my guns but what lady is gonna notice me when I am walking with that beast! Then to add insult to injury to make her life easier the round human got a tandem lead. What kind of torture device is this you ask? Good question it hooks me to the beagle with a few mere inches separating us, it allows the lazy human to only have to hold one leash. I see her eyeing it now. No surprise shes ready to hook me to the torture leash, after denying me more than one piece of her breakfast. Fiendish. Worst. Day. Ever.

*Shippos note, no my owner is not so mean as to make us wear coats in the summer, I cleverly sabotaged all the cameras for fun, so these pictures are not recent and were taken obviously in the winter.
**Though I wouldn't put it past them to torture me with some kind of tee shirt in the summer....
***Sigh, worst.day.ever.

Worst Day #588

Me and The Beast, no I wont let my face be shown in a photo with her willingly.

This weekend the humans dragged me and the stinky one to the park. Oh joy walking around outside when its hot, Oh look a duck, Oh fun exercise, and Oh a sticky kid is trying to pet me, Best. Day. Ever. Not.

OK I admit its nice to sniff out a new place but it was HOT. And my handsomeness must have blinded most people passing by as they kept stopping to say how cute the beagle was, clearly the heat made them light headed. As if they wasn't disgusting enough, she clearly enjoyed the attention letting small sticky humans pet her, and their large keepers rub her tummy. Barf. The best part of the whole trip was when a swan almost attacked her, clearly I need to get to know this swan. It speaks my language! When we got home I was so hot I had to lay in my round bed near the A.C. for hours and my muscles ached from all that walking. Worst. Day. Ever.

Check out my guns in this picture, nice!

Worst Day #22

A lady friend asked me for a photo so I was going through my glamour shots on the computer today when I came across this picture:

Clearly this is evidence the humans have been drugging me, those fiends! As I would never willingly lay that close to the stinky one, and I have no memory of this supposed "cuddle". I will add this to the folder I am compiling of the outrages heaped on me. But in the meantime just viewing that picture makes me need to take a bath. And I hate baths almost as much as I hate beagles. Almost.... Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #1400

Recently my favorite Aunt and Uncle, the tall skinny humans, moved away for the summer. I can only assume it was an attempt to escape the stink of the crusty hound, and for that I cant blame them. However I know they really miss me and as such have been emailing daily to make sure my days aren't too bad (they are).

Last week they emailed to inform of another great injustice that has happened to me, there was a doggie parade where they live in NY. Was I in this parade? NO! Have I ever gotten a parade? NO! Did I even get a walk today? NO! Below are some of the pictures they took to document this terrible injustice. I assume when they come back the tall skinny ones intend to rectify this with a parade in my honor. One dog even got to ride in a boat, know what I did today? Lay in the hot, wet yard and chew on a bone, defiantly not march in a parade thrown in my honor. In fact while I was trying to chew on the meager treat thrown my way the crusty one came up and tried to steal it from me.

Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #787

My humans, bleh, they always think they know whats good for me. If they would take the time to learn Shipponese (its the second most popular language in the world) it would make communicating so much easier, but alas they of course don't. Last summer about 2ish years into my time with the bald human and the round human, things were ok. Don't get me wrong every day was still the worst but at least I knew what to expect. Somewhere in the twisted brains of one of the humans they hatched the idea to add another dog into the mix!

Why I am not sure as clearly I am the most handsome, wonderful, amazing dog anyone could want. Something about I seemed to enjoy playing with other dogs. Sure at their houses! My life is the worst all I have is my awesome stripey bear and my bed, I don't want another dog touching my stuff!?! Last August they took me over the slammer to visit with this crusty beagle. I took an immediate dislike to her and tried to make it clear by chasing her all over the place. I assumed this would be my last encounter with that wretched beast. I was wrong.

About a week later they took me back to slammer, I assumed so I could taunt another inmate, and to my horror the crusty beagle was back and was loaded into MY car by MY bald human! BETRAYAL!!!!!!!!!! On the way home I kept hoping we would drop her somewhere on the side of the road, laugh and drive away, but no we brought her all the way home! Look at this dopey face, see what they subject me to!

Now I have to live out my time here tortured by 6 horrible felines, 2 ridiculous humans and 1 stinky, dopey, stupid hound, who *shudder* likes to make the humans happy, steals my bones, sleeps on my bed, uses my bath room, plays with my favorite Aunts and Uncles and the worst horror of all touches my stripey bear! Sigh, a handsome chi-stiff never gets a break, everyday is just the Worst. Day. Ever.

Worst Day #382

Hi my name is Shippo, I am a chi-stiff (Chihuahua Mastiff mix), ladies man, excellent dancer and professional eater and everyday is my worst day ever. Just when I think it can’t get any worse, the next day comes and its and somehow, some way its worse then the day before. Let me tell you my story.

Way back in 2007 I was sitting in the slammer, on death row (I was framed) when these two humans came in and sprung me. I paid them back by coming to their house and peeing on everything, eating some chow and chasing their cats, and assumed then I would be on my merry way. I made my escape out the back door only to be caught by the big angry human and taken by the girly rounder human to...the vet...and....well lets just say I lost two good friends after that. I thought that nothing more terrible than that could ever happen to me, but I was wrong.

And thus began my new life as a reformed street dog, each day I think it cant get any worse, but then it does. Sometimes its rain, sometimes loud noises, sometimes its the humans, sometimes its my favorite enemy the orange cat, sometimes I cant find my stripey bear, sometimes they put me in a sweater or Worst of all sometimes its my sister...the beagle...whatever it is it always ends with me concluding its the Worst. Day. Ever.